Cognitive Dissonance

(c) Maricor Montalbo

We are down to the last quarter of the year and I’ve been missing a lot of things lately, my old self included and mind you, I haven’t missed anyone this much before. I miss those times when all I had to worry was whether I will go to my class or not, whether I will go out with friends or not, what koreanovela should I watch next? Why has no one ever told me that adult-ing is not a bed of roses? I’ve been in the corporate world for four years only to find myself catapulting from one company to another and even left the company of my dreams. What was I thinking?

Most people might think that at 25, I already got my shit together but in reality, I don’t. I don’t even know where my life is going let alone where I want to go. I decided to try gradschool and some people think I thirst for learning, for personal development but really, I just want to buy myself time and contemplate on what I really want to do for the rest of my life. I only have still have barely two years to go and the only thing I am so sure of now is that I have no place in the corporate world.

Some people even ask me how do I manage to survive my demanding workload, not so easy school requirements and some social life in between and they really think I am a super human but what they don’t know is I die a little every weekday and just get resurrected on weekends. That has been a cycle.

Recently, I have been wanting to spend my weekends in the comforts of my bed and shut everything and everybody out of my life even just for two days but I also crave for human interaction cuz I might successfully lose my sanity if I don’t. The problem is, I don’t really like being around people. There are days when I just want to pack my life up, move to a different country and start anew, pretty much reset my life to when I was so full of positivity and the jar of my happy hormones was never empty.

I’ve been dying to pause my life for a while cause it has been so fast that I can’t seem to catch up. Why has life didn’t come with a remote control again? nor a user’s manual?

They always say “follow your dreams”, “pursue your passion”, but c’mon! please tell me something realistic first, something practicable. I don’ t even know what my passion is. Aside from overthinking and being socially awkward, I don’t even know what else I am good at.

I have been thinking of going home to Iloilo and pursue a career in the academe and live the most laidback life I can imagine myself in but I am afraid, I will screw this up then I have nowhere to go home to. I am overthinking again. I want to believe that I am not depressed nor anxious nor both, cuz this is an insult to the people who are diagnosed with such. I am just being hard on myself. Nag-iinarte lang ako. 10 years from now, none of these will matter.

But I know, whatever it is that I am going through right now will also pass, God knows when, but I know someday, everything will make sense. I wonder how many more provinces I need to explore and how many more bottles of alcohol I will consume but what the hell? masarap namang bumyahe at uminom EVERYTHING’S GONNA MAKE SENSE AND THAT IS FOR SURE.

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